WORDS: Lily Pryer
Connect with Lily on Instagram: @lily_pryer | @one_girl_one_city
When first asked to write about my experience as an expat in Paris, I spent a fair bit of time contemplating how to summarise the City of Love. From the Louvre and the Eiffel Tower to the best bakeries ever discovered (seriously, I’m a little embarrassed we call Greggs a bakery in the UK), the subject scope of this city is enormous. And, thanks to Netflix’s most recent release, Emily in Paris, it’s pretty clear that Paris offers a certain charm and je ne sais quoi that attracts a huge expat community and tourists alike. But you know that, right? We all know Paris is the one of the most visited cities in the world, so what’s there left to say?
I’m not Emily in Paris, and most expats I know aren’t basking in the evening glow of the Eiffel Tower at lavish soirées (as far as I’m aware). In truth, during the two years I’ve been here, I’m yet to go up the Eiffel Tower, and I don’t remember the last time I stepped foot in the Louvre. But, if I got a euro for the amount of people I tell ‘Paris feels like home’, I’d be pretty rich by now. So, if it’s not visiting the Eiffel Tower every weekend, what keeps us expats here?
In true French style, living in Paris is dramatic, amazing, frustrating, complicated and exciting all rolled into one, and there’s a cheeky sense of satisfaction to mastering life here. There’s a ‘rite of passage’ when it comes to setting up life in Paris; events and milestones experienced by us expats that can only be described as inescapably French. And, no, I don’t mean the cigarette in one hand, beret-wearing, gallery-visiting ‘l’amour c’est la vie’ kind of French experience. More like: wondering if the years of tracking down your missing post will land you a job as the next Sherlock Holmes, or whether climbing five flights of stairs to your apartment every day will get you gold at Tokyo 2021.
So, without further ado, here are the top 10 unmistakably French experiences of every expat in Paris.
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1. TRYING TO FIND A FLAT
When I first arrived here, living in a beautiful Haussman-style apartment, both charming and uniquely Parisian, was the dream. Well my friends, get in line, because there are about twenty other people fighting for that dream flat – and playing the ‘I’m foreign’ card doesn’t work around here. You’ll need to prove your worth to landlords with a sacred collection of files containing every piece of information about yourself – from your tax declarations, your earnings, and your birth certificate to the name of your first pet. Start exercising now: you’ll need strength to lug around your 10kg ‘dossier’ to each viewing. And, if your salary isn’t very high, try to get to know a millionaire before you arrive – preferably French, as landlords don’t trust foreign guarantors.
2. REALISING YOU’RE DEFINITELY NOT FRENCH
Sometimes when we travel to places, our cultural and language differences are both exciting and interesting to the locals. But, I’m sorry to say, Paris has seen it all before and, in short, she prefers her own kind. With over 30 million tourists a year, she, to put it simply, prefers French people, and unless you master the French language, accent and culture, your relationship with Paris is pretty one-sided. You can try all you want to order a coffee in French, but Paris knows a foreigner when she sees one, so anticipate a dismissive response in English from the waiter.
3. OPENING A FRENCH BANK ACCOUNT
When you first arrive, opening an account is essential to doing, well, almost anything. Want a phone contract? You’ll need a French account. Hoping to bag an apartment? Most landlords ask for a French bank account. Somewhere up there, the French Gods are laughing at us mere expats trying to navigate settling here. “I know what we’ll do: let’s ask for proof of a French address in order to open a French bank account, BUT demand a French bank account to acquire a French address – that’ll put them off staying here!”
4. SPENDING YOUR LIFE IN THE POST OFFICE
The French love posting letters – honestly, I think I send about 2 letters a year in the UK, but here, you’ll find me in the post office every other week. Postmen don’t waste a moment, so if it appears you’re not home, you can kiss goodbye to your ASOS delivery. Forget strolling down the Seine or picnics in the park. When people ask about your life in Paris, you’ll be able to share the hundreds of exciting stories from La Poste, spending hours collecting numerous ‘undelivered packages’, even though you were home all day.
5. BREAKING UP WITH YOUR FIRST CONTRACT
The French are committed people, especially when it comes to contracts. They’ll lure you into contracts of 12-24 months or, worse, make non-binding contracts almost impossible to terminate. Whether it’s your phone, gym, bank or wifi – anticipate a difficult break-up. Paris is ruthless. There’s no face-to-face or over the phone contact – seriously, customer support is not a thing here. Save your tears, she doesn’t want your ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ excuses. Paris demands a written letter to end your contract, which, given France’s track record when it comes to post, means it has about a 70% chance of arriving. Three months later, you’ll be wondering how you’re still in a relationship.
6. BECOMING A FRENCH BUREAUCRACY EXPERT
If you’ve opted for a long-term relationship with Paris, the rose-tinted glasses of the city are tainted by the difficulty of doing, well, almost anything administrative. Croissants are less enjoyable as you try to declare your taxes for the twentieth time, queue for hours to be told that you won’t be able to be seen today, or chase up yet another document you posted, only to be told 8 months later that “it never arrived, madame.” Merci.
7. REALISING THE ‘CITY OF LOVE’ IS A MYTH
Ah l’amour, the very reason many people flock to Paris. French men will be seductive, romantic, charming… Well, ladies, I’m sorry to break it to you but, the City of Love isn’t exaaaactly what it’s cracked up to be. From the Jean-Pierres to the Jean-Christophes of the city, there’s a couple of typical scenarios you may find yourself in:
a.) A guy proclaiming that he loves you after date two.
b.) A guy telling you your ‘engleeesh’ is amazing, they ‘adore ton accent’ and they love London!
There’s only so many times you can agree that yes, Brexit was a terrible idea, and no you haven’t met the queen…before giving up on love altogether.
8. MINDING THE MERDE (IT’S EVERYWHERE!)
One minute you’re admiring the beautiful Parisian architecture, the next you’ve stepped in yet another piece of dog shit. If you’ve survived Paris thus far without frantically wiping your shoe on the side of the road, I take my chapeau off to you.
9. SUSSING OUT HOW NOT TO BE PICK-POCKETED
Everyone has an ugly side, including Paris. Like your new handbag? Your new iPhone? So does she. Beautiful upon first sight, Paris is, under the surface, a crafty minx, with a craving for your possessions. So relentless, she’ll make sure that your phone or wallet is stolen at least once, if not multiple times – often without you even noticing. Pro tip: try not to look foreign, it makes you a prime target!
10. COMING TO TERMS WITH NEVER BEING ABLE TO SNEAK OUT OF A PARTY AGAIN
Hoping to make a quick exit from a soirée? Good luck. Whilst in the UK we may get away with a quick wave at the end of the night, in France, get ready to touch everyone! I suggest ordering your Uber after saying goodbye: you’ll be spending at least 15 minutes making the rounds like a conveyor belt at the airport.
I often describe Paris as a one-sided relationship. You give her everything, and she, for all your valiant efforts, doesn’t really care. So then, what are we all doing here? As an expat, you’ve seen Paris at its most beautiful, and at its ugliest – and you’re relishing in both. When Audrey Hepburn said ‘Paris is always a good idea,’ you’ve got about 20 stories that prove Paris is, at times, an extremely difficult idea. Once upon a time, seeing the Eiffel Tower sparkling was a momentous occasion, today it’s successfully receiving your ‘Carte Vitale’ (French health card) only nine months after applying. Paris- 0 Lily- 1.
