WORDS & PICTURES: Valeria @dramatically.expatic
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If you’re a traveller (and you probably are, since you’re reading this magazine), you know that itchy feeling one gets when staying in one place for too long. No matter how much you like your home, permanent is not something that works for you. Well, at least it feels like that for me, and for lots of like-minded people I’ve opened up to about my complicated relationship with the concepts of “home” or “settling down”. I like to think that we belong to a special kind of people, maybe with some nomadic genes that have become almost extinct in a world where stability is given too much value.
Whatever it is, I have a confession to make: since I was little, I’ve always had the feeling that there’s more to life than a predefined scheme that you’re supposed to follow. That burning desire to explore the world has brought me thousands of miles away from home, and in the past six years, I’ve never looked back. Of course, I’ve been paying brief visits to my home city of Odessa, Ukraine, and I’ve missed my family and friends, too. But those visits felt almost forced sometimes. Going back home seemed more like taking a few steps back.
And then the pandemic hit, and the world stopped. For more than a year, I’ve found myself confined to Italy, with no travel whatsoever. With air flights being cancelled all the time, with the unclear entry rules to and from various countries, with the uncertainty we’ve all been facing, I haven’t been home for more than two years. During that time, the pandemic was impacting the people I knew and cared about back in Odessa. At some point, I felt it was time to pay another visit to my home country.
Those visits have always given me anxiety. Knowing that I’ve changed a lot and finding things (and people) completely unchanged back home was distressing. This time around, I was anxious again. But I’ve also decided to try and look at things differently during this visit. I wanted to start my relationship with my home city anew. My goal was to look at everything as if I was a tourist, and to permit myself to marvel at all the good stuff I’ve always taken for granted.
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The first thing to set the mood was the weather. Most people would have probably been upset if they came across a thunderstorm upon arriving home, but after spending the past few months trying to survive Italian summer (read: African heatwave upon African heatwave), trust me, I’ve learnt to appreciate cooler temperatures. And having lived in Odessa, Ukraine, for almost twenty years, I knew that the bigger the storm was, the greater would be the sun afterwards. That proved to be true for my entire trip.
Letting go of my biases was the best thing I could do for myself during that time. You know the thing – as tourists we tend to notice only the best, but as locals, well, we sometimes tend to complain a bit too much. Now I can say that being a tourist in your home city is beneficial, first of all, for yourself. Digging deeper into its history, discovering new museums or art exhibitions (some of which you might have not heard about before), appreciating the city from the “touristic” point of view, makes you understand its value better.
I’ve always known that Odessa is a spectacular place with a fascinating history and a whole bunch of prominent historical personalities as its citizens in the past – but this time I was asking myself: what was it that has always drawn people here? As an expat, I ask this question quite often: both to myself and to my expat friends. Why did you choose to live in this place? Why did you choose to move? The answer usually consists of listing all the positive qualities of the place. We all know there are downsides everywhere, but when we consciously choose where to live, it usually means they are not as significant to us. After all, life’s all about balance, right?
Interestingly enough, when I started asking myself that question in my home city, I began to find the answers everywhere: in its great climate, in its diverse cuisine, in its vivid lifestyle, in its fabulous historical landmarks, and of course, in its proximity to the sea. Visiting local museums has been a true revelation to me: I had been there numerous times when I was little, but returning there now, as an adult who’s travelled the world and who’s seen quite a lot of museums, this experience was much more meaningful. I feel like now I’m more capable of appreciating my city’s history, and marvelling at it, too.
Something that took me by surprise in Odessa, Ukraine, was the amount of new, modern bars and cafés that have opened recently. You see, Italy might have one of the best cuisines in the world, but if you’ve been to Italy long enough, you’d agree: the majority of local places are quite old-fashioned. I would even say vintage – and they’re charming just as they are, but from time to time I crave something more modern and less traditional. Odessa has given me plenty of that – there, it’s not only about good food (though the food is fantastic), but also about aesthetics. The creative approach to small business is something my city has always taken pride in, and I felt it everywhere I went.
To my astonishment, I realised I missed it. I missed the diversity of Odessa that describes this city the best, with its mix of people coming from all backgrounds, various languages and even architectural styles. And I missed not having to worry about language barriers and other expat problems. And of course, I missed the sea – not that Italy doesn’t have one (it’s splendid), but having it right there all the time and being able to see it from almost any point in the city was an exceptional feeling.
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As for most expats, the biggest joy of visiting home for me came from spending time with family and friends. For many of us, this is the biggest sacrifice we have to make to pursue our dreams (or career goals, or love, or something else) when moving abroad. This is one of the biggest reasons to take that flight (or ride) and to head back for a visit. And, for the first time in a while, this didn’t feel like a step backwards. It felt like going home. And it felt good to be home.
Sadly, going back home has become a privilege in today’s conditions. Don’t get me wrong, I realise it, and I’m grateful for having had this opportunity. But the road is calling. Now I’m ready to go back to my chaotic expat life, to language barriers and endless confusion with the way things work in other places. Being home might get a bit too comfortable and this might be the exact reason I feel conflicted about the concept. After all, home is where your heart is, and this couldn’t be truer for me.
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